The sun spins around me as I try to make it through another day. I knew Eddie wouldn’t wait through another day of me daydreaming about what our life could be, but I knew this wasn’t my life. The constant emails and meetings were driving me insane for eight hours a day. Eddie was a workaholic where I didn’t think about work the moment I stepped out of the staff door on the way to my car.
I never actually wanted to work again. I wanted to spend my day hiking and writing, not sitting behind a desk waiting for people to come yell at me. Because if the fact of doing my job is the only circumstance in which people like to yell, I’m not meant to be in this position in the first place. Why put myself in a position to be yelled at when all I am trying to do is help?
If I could disappear into the woods, into the country, I could get lost in my own daydreams and life. I could smell the dirt, I could smell the trees and I could fall asleep on soft, green moss while listening to the birds sing. The day came when I knew the life I wanted was something that wouldn’t be feasible for the long run. I only realized this because I made a mistake. A mistake that brought Rudy’s violence and tantrums back into my life. Only because I had accidentally spelled my name correctly.