Things I Wanted to Say

“There are lots of things I wanted to say but never did,” I wrote.  I stared at the letter I had started for the tenth time before crumpling it and throwing it into the pile with all the others.  What could I say to the one person I had loved so much, but had failed me completely? 

Where did I even begin to tell Scott how much he had hurt me?  How much he had betrayed me?  He wasn’t even here so I couldn’t even tell him to his face how much my heart was broken.  How could he leave me here alone?  I felt hopeless, like I was drifting, lost at sea without Scott here.  I was angry he had left me so soon.  That he had left me at when we were both so young. 

Everything had been his choice and he had told me he was doing it for me, but I still don’t know that I agree.  I wanted him more than ever and I know I couldn’t have him.  That I would never get to see his beautiful face ever again.  What was I supposed to do now that he was gone for good? 

I pulled out another piece of paper to start the newest version of my letter.  I thought if maybe I could put all my feelings into writing, he would understand why I was so angry. 

Cancer had made sure we wouldn’t grow old together.  I was a widow at only twenty-nine.   


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